Monday, June 23, 2014

Self-diagnosing Insomnia


I never get enough sleep. I was falling asleep at 9-ish when we put the kids to bed, then I laid down for the night by 10:30 (my target bedtime) and lay awake-ish until after midnight. My mind was replaying the day: thinking about my Sunday School lesson, which I was able to recall in surprising detail, thinking about what I’d said to people at my uncle’s announcement of his pancreatic cancer, thinking about how I would market Leadgenix, thinking about how Dr. Everett would present his findings on the decline of the Maya. It was a jumble of vivid, important-feeling thoughts going through my head.

My wife was fast asleep not 3 feet away. I wondered if her being there was keeping me up--like the light coming in around the blinds that I know is there even with my eyes closed. Out of respect for her blissful dreaming, I felt her presence weighing on me, pushing against me, driving me to curl up at the very edge of the mattress, the furthest point on the bed from her. It was after midnight when I finally got up, went downstairs, got a drink of water, and spent the rest of the night struggling for sleep in the guest room. 

It was a poor night’s sleep, I know that. And I was awake again around 5:30 and walked back up to my bed. She asked if I’d been up all night when I came in and I answered that I’d slept downstairs. I felt guilt in my voice as I added, “I just sleep better down there,” as though I had been up to something. I really don’t understand why I can’t get a good night’s sleep. I have this general sense of anxiety, especially on Sunday nights, that makes me think it might be work-related. But I don’t really have that stressful of a job. I’m not sure why I lie awake at night…

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