Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Shawn's Bail-Out Plan

Everybody's getting in on it! Bernanke has a plan. Paulson has a plan. McCain has a plan. Obama is working on a plan. Bush... well, I just hope Bush is working on anything. Ryan Peeler has a brilliant plan that will both inject the economy with cash and determine the next president.

Even those Libertarian Madison Avenue-types are getting onboard the Bail-Out planning bus, albeit for different reasons:
But don't worry, even ACTUAL recession won't reduce the Ad Industry's precious consumer spending, let alone RUMORS of recession.

Remember that spike 9 days ago when your mutual fund bounced back and things didn't look so bad? What the NYTimes reported as "the stock market soar[ing] last week on rumors that there would be a bailout." RUMORS, people. Stay with me, here.

And this morning, Goldman shares jumped back towards their pre-Lehman Brothers price just on rumors of Warren Buffet's $5 billion or $10 billion dollar investment. Again, RUMORS.

So JEC Chairman Chuck Schumer (Sen. D-NY) says "Americans are furious" about the price tag on the current plan for bail-out. The people are getting angry--furious--but absolutely nothing has been done, yet. So far it's just talk. Just RUMORS that things are going bad, RUMORS that things are going to get worse.

So, if the largest obstacle to approving the bail-out is the price tag and the strongest force on the US economy today is the rumor mill, I propose a 100% Free Plan to bolster the economy, save the struggling markets and stimulate America's move back to a happy, ignorant, credit-based, stable financial economy.

We need to start the rumor that everything is going great. I recommend it start with a speech from the White House-- George Bush puts one arm around McCain and another around Obama and he tells the cameras that "They'd miscalculated. Bernanke did his math wrong. Everything's good. Going great."

Then we shoot this via satellites and internet, and of course, YouTube, over to Europe and Asia and they hear that the US economy is fine, that the "crisis" was just a "bank error," and it renews the confidence of global financial markets who are quick to swoop up the deals of the weakened dollar, buying more Converse shoes and Michelin tires.

Finally, I suggest we get some people on megaphones to stand around on Wall Street and read government reports on how much more ethanol fuel we produced, how many more pairs of boots, and how much higher our standard of living is compared to years past. We could put a few Squeelers right on the steps of the Capitol building. Just to remind everybody that times are good and that you're not really in as much debt as you think you are.

Either that, or admit that the threat of recession and the entire subprime mortgage crisis was a trick to get Sen. McCain out of Friday night's debate with Sen. Obama.

But more importantly: The Browns are gonna go with Anderson again this week. Anderson! Let's just say we're a country that loves a losing streak.


Anonymous said...

I was just yanking your chain, bro!

FWIW, I think your plan is actually better than mine :) At a minimum it has much more comic potential.

Also, I like your blog.


Anonymous said...

I loved your plan. I'm still amazed at the D. Anderson commitment as well. I guess you've got to get something out of that bad contract besides a clipboard holder. It might as well be a few TDs...even if they are to the wrong team. Also, I thought you'd like to know that I officially measured one of our former training runs and we probably ran about 30 miles that one day. I guess you had a reason to be upset.

Julie said...

Shawn! I was going back over old posts and found your comment for my brother's bday!! Talk about blast from the past!!! Sounds like you're happy and doing well. Good luck with finishing school and raising your daughter! (Are you laughing that I have four girls?!?!? How did I go from having all brothers to four daughters?) Take care!

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